Losing you.

Losing you is something I've never ever thought, that would happen in my entire life.

Losing you is something that tortured me.

Losing you is something that made me went through hell.

Losing you is something that made me feel so lost, so lost.

Losing you is something that made me, lost myself too.

Someone important leaving you, is something you can never ever want it to happen in your entire life. Someone that meant the whole world to you. Someone that you used to address baby, bi, bby, bubu, dear, dearest, etc. I address him anything and everything I wanted to, because I feel comfortable in any and every way it is. I could act like a singer, a dancer, an actress, a barbarian, a monkey, anything I would like, in front of him. Because I don't still LOVE him.

//I've lost myself in the process of loving you, and losing you.

Why

Sometimes, I just wna ask.... "How's life?..... Without me?"

I miss you so.. Why does all these shit happens? I still love you so much. Just a simple chat in a day with you, can make my day a lil' closer to complete.. But I just can't meet you. Why? God, just answer me...

Lost

Recently, many things happened to me. Many major ones too. Had many phone calls with the boy, but I've still lost him. I've lost my guybestfriend, my partner, my awesome, my lover, my buddy, my boyfriend, my everything. Yes, I've lost him. It hurts a lot. How can I ever be happy when I lost a person that went through so much things with me? Be it the ups, or the downs.

He left me with a line, "Let's just be friends". That line really killed me a lot. Like damn, get me a knife and stab me right through the heart. 835 days tgt when we said that. Yes, he made it clear to me. But still my heart's fluttering.. Not knowing what really had happened, and to my heart, it still wasn't clear.

Is it really that easy to leave to a person that really loved you dearly for the past days, weeks, months, years.....? I know myself that I haven't been giving my best to the relationship but I always told myself that it all doesn't matter as it all boils down to a simple thing whether I truly love him or not. Answer is, yes. I love him a lot. And I need him a lot too. He's my pillar of strength, love, care and concern. I love and need him like how Minnie loves and needs Mickey, Daisy loves and needs Donald, Juliet loves and needs Romeo.

"I love you. I really do. Did you really give up everything we two had in this relationship? Are you really able to let go of everything? Feelings, don't you have that teeny weeny lil' bit of it still...? Come back to me..."

What's going on

A break in a relationship. Are u doing all these just to forget me? Are u doing all these as u are hating me? I rly rly thought of all these, so much so that I rly can't take it anymore.

I love you & I miss you so much. I miss those times we spent tgt so happily and not a single quarrel occurred. I rly love 'em and miss it.... Lastly, I miss ur company.

I won't give up

I won't give up on us. Cause I rly love u and I've only set my eyes on u.. I don't know what rly is going on between us but.... I rly hope the dull days would be over soon.. Rly rly soon.. Cause I can't take it anymore.. Be it physically my body state, or mentally.

I've been skipping meals these days not to get attention... But I've got rly no appetite at all.. I just need u to reach out ur pair of hands and lift me up..

You

I go to slp thinking 'bout u.. But what 'bout u? Do u think of me?

Hopeless

如果我走了，你会不会留我，还是看着我走

Really feeling hopeless and down since ytd. Ya I know it all boils down to me not being hardworking enough. But I rly did put in effort for some subjects right? What did I score? Not that I'm complaining and whining. But I still can't get over it. Tears rly come rolling down non-stop. For even the slightest thought of it.

Another thing, I just need support for now. I can't handle this all on my own. Boyf scored rly well but all I can say is, congrats and all the best to him.. From the scene I seen him going up the stage, first though of mine, "u're not gna match him. Get away from him. Break it." Ya wtf am I thinking? Ikr. I held on for 2yrs plus and I'm here telling myself to break this relationship..... I'm just afraid for the worst to ever happen....

So what am I supposed to do now..?

Try hard, fail hard

I'm trying so hard to keep conversations alive. Trying so hard to plan for mini outings with u. Trying so hard to keep this relationship going. Trying so hard, so hard until I fell hard. What shld I do now? Kill myself to make people appreciate me for that 'lil bit more?

All I get are cold replies, cold cold replies and cold cold cold replies. What else? Cold treatment..

I prolly deserve it cause I did smth rly bad in my past life.

I wonder.

Sometimes I rly wonder a lot, wondering whether I'm important to you. Wonder whether I truly belong in your world or just a piece of shit left at the side. Wonder whether u rly treasure me. Wonder whether u truly love me...

Ya, I agree that I wonder a lot and I wonder too much. But, all this wonderings allowed the time pass-by rly fast. Especially during the night, before I sleep. Tearing and wiping them off, tearing and wiping them off. They're just a routine of mine. I just have to get used to it or get them outta my mind once and for all. But it ain't gna be easy.

Not just those basic wonderings I wonder at night. I even imagine. Imagine's a big word to use but it's the only word I can think of, to use. Ya, like the most recent one, imagining myself to diagnose with cancer and asking myself whether u wld call and ask whr am I.. Whether I'm okay and how's my day.. But even for now, when I'm physically okay, u wldn't call, even if I asked u to..

So, are those wonderings and imaginations gna take over me.... For life?